It's 10am on a Wednesday night. I'm tucked up in bed and I feel exhausted. Not the kind of exhaustion you would expect from running around after an active 3 year old.
The last few months have been so exhausting of fake smiling and pretending that I'm ok. A lot has been going on behind closed doors and everything has just got on top of me and I just feel overwhelmed all the time.
I've just not been concentrating on myself and my mental health properly, as I've been focusing on both Stuart and Blake.
I may have been fake smiling and hiding how I'm feeling, however if you could see me now you could see that I am far from ok.
Right now my hair is a mess my eyes are stinging and itchy from the on and off crying spells I've been having since late afternoon. I'm exhausted not just from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on recently but from lack of sleep too. It's like my day starts backwards I awake feeling exhausted, struggling to stay awake all day and the night time approaches and I just go to bed feeling wide awake.
Most nights I've found myself being awake until gone 1 am as I just can't drop off, even then I am tossing and turning for at least an hour or so. If I do drop of easily I'll wake not long later feeling all panicky which is scary as I feel in that moment I'm going to die. I feel like my windpipe is closing and I can't breathe.
I know I am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. Stuart has been off work since July due to his own personal reasons, which is hard in itself. On top of that we are having to also deal with Blake having tests due to potentially having Autism. It's definitely a challenge having to deal with Blake needing that extra bit of help and his challenging behaviour we get from time to time.
I know that I'm in a dark place. A place where I feel that nobody cares, everyone will be better off without me, no one likes me...
I've been in that dark place before though and it is hard when it sucks you in and all you want to do is get out.
Some days I want to admit how I am feeling but at the same time don't want to trouble anyone with my problems. I want someone who will just sit and listen and let me cry without judging me. To tell them I'm falling apart. The words won't come out though. Everyone has there own lives, own problems, own worries.
Right now I just want to close the door and shut the world out. At the same time I want a hug and not feel so lonely. I want help which doesn't just involve an increase in antidepressants.
All I can do for now is ride it out, hope for the battle to end, hope for a brighter day to come.
