I hate you! You've taken away my husband. Gone is the man who would laugh, crack jokes and love spending time with his family. Depression you have taken over his life made him struggle to get out of bed each morning, to enjoy life, to be happy.
Depression you've been an unwanted visitor in my mind many times over the years too. You loved me the most in 2009 didn't you? That year was pretty horrific my dad passing away, loosing our home after Stuart was made redundant and much more. You loved me that year you loved trying to break me, yet I'm still here, I'm still standing.
Depression you also like to make the occasional visit to me like today.
This morning I awoke trying to hold the tears I wanted to fall from my eyes. Trying to work out the reason I felt like this and coming up with complete blank. All I can think of is that you realised you hadn't visited for awhile and wanted me to remember that you will always be there somewhere hiding.
Yes I have felt stressed recently and overwhelmed by my ever growing to do list. Depression you have decided to pass me onto your lovely friend anxiety since having Blake haven't you, I bet you love that. Anxiety likes to wake me in the night in a panic for no reason, to make me worry about the future and panic about little things. But like today you loved for me to have to deal with the both of you.
After a tearful start to the day I pushed through you, showered, did the preschool run and met up with a friend. I managed to hide you well haven't I? No one would know apart from me that you were both there.
You both were there as I walked to do the preschool run an unwanted black cloud over my head with anxiety squeezing my heart making me feel jittery inside for no reason. You were there whilst I ate my lunch hiding you from my friend. I sat there feeling physically sick while I ate my lunch pretending nothing was wrong. I sat wishing I was back home in my warm bed where I could wallow in you. Instead I carried on and decided to write you this letter.
Depression you've taught me a lot over the years. That I can and I am more stronger than you, that its not so easy for someone to just snap out of you. You've taught me that you can be so overwhelming especially when you are in the deep throws of someone. You have taught me that you shouldn't be a stigma and that everyone should be made aware of you. That you've taken many lives but you won't be taking mine. Your a part of who I am but i won't let you and anxiety take over my life.