Thursday, 23 August 2018

Moments in my anxious mind

It's just gone midnight and here I am awake. Tonight I'm unable to sleep due to the thoughts going through my head. I'm not feeling particularly anxious at the moment however my head is full of ideas and thoughts which are making me feel overwhelmed.




Since becoming a mum to Blake anxiety has been something I've really struggled with.  The first time I noticed the problem was when Blake was a baby and I was so scared that he would stop breathing especially once he started sleeping through the night. I kind of strugged it off as something that all parents feel and it was why everything in regards to Blake would freek me out and turn me into a panic. I kept thinking awful scenarios in my head of what could happen to him or to Stuart and how I'd cope if I didn't have Stuart.

One of the questions I get asked a lot is if we will have another child. It's not something that is fully a yes or no decision yet. However I do worry about the impact having another child would have on my mental health. When I think of being pregnant again it sends me into a full on panic. I do believe the long and intense Labour I had with Blake was the number one thing that set my anxiety into a much higher level and may have been something that should've been dealt with when I look back.

Death has also been another factor for anxiety recently. My father in law passed away last month and for some reason a few days before the funeral I woke feeling all panicky and scared. Until now I've never really been scared at the idea of death and i do believe that there is somewhere we go. However them particular nights were  struggle of worrying about there not  and being stuck in blackness with just my thoughts and it scared the hell out of me.

We've even had an incident recently on a bus back home from Milton Keynes where the bus driver was driving far too fast and the buggy with Blake in it tipped over causing him to hit his head which resulted in a bruise near his eye and swelling on his face. Of course my anxiety set me off with awful thoughts of what was going to happen to him. We did in the end go to A&E to be on the safe side and get him checked over. He is fine apart from sore and bruised and we were given a sheet of things to look out for such as being sick and to check on him after 6 hours of sleep. Of course this sent my mind into overdrive and I hardly slept as I kept thinking that something was going to happen and that Blake would never wake up. 

It's not just these moments but the little things throughout a day that can set me off. Such as when my phone rings and I don't recognise the number it sends me into a panic or sometimes the idea of even going out sets me off. It can be really hard to deal with and I hate feeling this way. I'm currently waiting to hear from the in house well-being service at my local GP surgery for talking therapy. I'm hoping that this will enable me to gain advice on how to help with my anxiety as medication on its own just doesn't seem to be doing the trick on its own anymore.


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